Worst Movie Ever

Rented "The Village" last night. It is seriously one of the worst movies out there. The dialogue was awful and the acting was even worse. The twist at the end was totally expected and weak to say the least. M. Night Shyamalan is a good storyteller, but he lacks any good stories. His early films were great, but after that shitfest "Signs" he kind of just fell apart. I don't think he can ever top "The 6th Sense", but yet he tries with every film he does. "The Village" turns up the suck meter to 10+. Recommend this movie to everyone you despise and loathe.

Brown Bunnies

I like to think I have good taste in film. My favorite movie of all time is Pulp Fiction and I’ve been known to quote it spontaneously from time to time. But sometimes my taste ventures toward the absurd, disgusting, and utterly depressing. I saw “Irréversible” just because I heard there was a 15 minute scene where Monica Bellucci gets raped up the ass in a tunnel by a gay pimp. It was so brutal and I liked it because it pushed the boundaries of film. The viewer was forced to watch that long drawn out scene. Talk about uncomfortable. There was also that graphic scene where some dude gets his head smash by a fire extinguisher. What I'm saying is fuck taboos. Fuck the scared cow. We are too constrained by prudish social norms. I believe in art freedom. But then again, there’s also a fine line between art and porn.

Screw porn (pun intended). Porn is for losers who live in trailer parks and have “sex” with blow up dolls. Porn is alright for women though (that’s right, someone had to say it)….But anyway, an example of a movie trying to push the boundaries, but falling into the porn category would be “Caligula”. Is this an artistic endeavor or porn? Fuck if I know. I rented it from Netflix, but my wife (who has a degree in Film Studies) watch it before I got home and immediately mailed it back after watching 20 minutes of fist fucking, sodomy, orgies, etc.. I respect her opinion that “Caligula” was nothing more than a big budget porn. I don’t think Malcolm McDowell ever recovered from that…oh no wait, he was Mr. Roarke in the “Fantasy Island” made for TV remake. He still has it baby!

So is it art or porn when Chloë Sevigny gives Vincent Gallo a BJ in “Brown Bunny”? Since it’s supposed to be a real act, I’m going to have to go with PORN. Hey Chloë, it’s called acting not dick sucking. That chick thinks she’s so artsy. Just because she’s a social butterfly in the New York art scene and dates that dude from A.R.E. Weapons, doesn’t mean everything she does is art. And Vincent Gallo likes to think he’s some cutting edge genius, but he’s really just a pretentious hack. He reminds me of Tony Kaye (the dude who did American History X). He made one good movie, got a big head, and now he thinks he’s some crazy mastermind like Kubrick. The difference is that Kubrick made many great movies.

So will I see “Brown Bunny”? Absolutely, because there’s only one way to decide if it has any merit. I doubt that it does, but at least I can have a good laugh.

The Blue States A Cometh

I believe in a divided America. I believe all the “red states” can go suck a fuck and secede from the rest of the country. They can take that retarded war-monger of a president too. Howard Dean can be our man in office. Everyone would back us. The French, the Canadians, fuck man, even the Mexicans would say “Hola, fuck Bush!”. The only partner the Red States of America would have would be…you guessed it, the fucking British! I love their music, but besides that…fuck ‘em.

The Blue States of America stands for equality for everybody, including the much unincluded gay community. Everyone may get married regardless of gender. Health care would be provided for everyone. Healthcare includes ABORTIONS, so scram Billy Gram. If you’re a soldier in Iraq and you live in a Blue State, you may leave the war. Shit, if you live in a Red State, you can leave the war too (just move to a Blue state when you come home- for your own safety).

What will the Red States be like? Just like it is now, but with more racism, homophobia, country music, rodeos, police brutality, steak, war, and of course way more brainless christian propaganda. Basically it will be just like Texass.

In the Blue States, our way rules. If you live in the outskirts of a Blue State and have Red State beliefs, then you can move out or shut the fuck up and convert.

We are the future!! LA, NYC, Chicago, Seattle….we’re taking over and we have the best cities, music, film, art, fashion, and PEOPLE. I’m not going to compromise. I want our nation under YOUR god (or no god) to stand for truth, liberty, and freedom (for a change).

Fuck Bush and fuck you if you voted for him.

Best of 2004

2004 saw me get married, get a new job, and get the fuck out of the sticks (aka Ontario). But 2004 also had some decent music. What was popular this year?? Funky dance punk, more new wave revival, and of course the nu-folk. I don't quite get Devendra Banhart, Iron and Wine, etc.. I mean, I get it musically, but I just don't "get it". Artsy for the sake of artsy. There's a lot of music that I didn't get a chance to pick up this year that I heard was great, but that's just going to make 2005 all the better.

So click the bands name to buy the record and
here's my toast (and roast) to 2004...


Death From Above 1979- "You're a Woman, I'm a Machine" (vice)
What can I say about this band. They fucking rock! I've been tracking these Canadian maniacs since their "Heads Up" EP. That was back when they were just Death From Above, back before DFA Records got such a hard on for these guys...But anyway, I knew they were headed for great things and this CD (their first full length) does not disappoint. 1 bassist + 1 drummer + a little synth = stripped down, sexy, sleazy, confrontational rock n' roll. Don't let the fact that Kelly Osborne is letting the drummer touch her tuna hole ruin your opinion on this band. These guys aren't Hollywood approved pussy Strokes clones. This is dirty, very very dirty. And you should be dirty too. Buy it now!

The Icarus Line- "Penance Soiree" (V2)
Those shit talkers in the Icarus Line are backing up their shit. "Penance Soiree" is angry, pretentious, care free, loud, fuzzed out, freaked out, and (like Death From Above) very dirty. There's a lot of reference's on this CD. The Jesus and Mary Chain, The Stooges, Big Black, The Jesus Lizard, and even a little Stone Roses. The Icarus Line can pull it off because they think they're the greatest band in the world. That's a bold statement, but logic like that has always produced great albums. Too bad so many people get turned off to this band because of the Buddyhead connection. But just because it's their loss, doesn't mean it has to be yours. Buy this now!

Q and Not U- "Power" (Dischord)
After the success of their last effort "Different Damage", these DC boys had a lot to live up to. I've heard a lot of motherfuckers say that Q and Not U are jumping on the dance punk bandwagon with "Power". Sure there's some dance beats and Gang of Four swagger, but there's also a lot of experimentation and originality. Most of the CD takes you on a journey down weird hallways and lets you meet creepy characters. The dance tracks just book end the strangeness of it all. This CD injects itself into your arm and festers inside your head with political ideas and left-wing thought. "Power" is pushing the limits on what's considered "indie".

Starflyer 59- "I am the Portuguese Blues" (Tooth & Nail)
This CD is new, but not new is the sense of being forward thinking. This is a fun release for the band. A chance to let their guts hang out and just have fun playing rock. It's a good way to ease the expectations of topping their last incredible CD, "Old". These songs are catchy, fun, and totally tongue in cheek.

TV on the Radio- "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes" (Touch & Go)
I got hooked on this band when I got the "Young Liars" EP. I thought these Brooklyn boys were fantastic. Their sound was fresh, young, and accomplished. Then "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes" came out and I had such high expectations. For the most part I wasn't disappointed. The album does loose stream towards the end, but this shit is ten times better than a lot of CD's released in '04. You need to own this.

DISAPPOINTMENTS
The Catheters- "Howling...It Grows and Grows!!!" (Sub Pop)
More like "Howling....It Sucks and Sucks!". Man, I just don't understand. How can a band release such a great fucking CD ("Static Delusions and Stone-Still Days"), then follow up with a half-assed, forced, bland, uncreative excuse for a record? No, tell me. I really wanna know. "Static Delusions..." hit the listener like a train with LOUD intense rock that SCREAMED fucking raw power. This record is just like that, but minus anything that remotely has to do with rock. "Howling..." is soooooo repetitive. It's like elevator rock. Yes, that's exactly how to describe The Catheters new CD....Elevator Rock! They just invented a new genre and it's an insult to elevator music everywhere. What a shame that their final release was such a bummer.


RETRACTION, 3-22-05
I initially had the new Hot Snakes record pegged as a disappointment of 2004. But after recent listenings, I have concluded that "Audit in Progress" is a decent CD. Not their best, but it's not as bad as I made it out to be. I guess I wasn't feeling it at the time. The Hot Snakes rock, I suck. End of fucking story.
Hot Snakes- "Audit in Progress" (Swami)
So the Hot Snakes are the great indie/ rock uber group who can do no wrong. Right? After 2002's incredible "Suicide Invoice" I really believed that The Hot Snakes could collectively and individually rape my family and I would be okay with that. In my eyes, they could do no wrong. Well, with "Audit in Progress" these guys did some wrong. It just doesn't flow as well as their last effort. There's a few stand out tracks, but the majority of the songs just blend together and scream of artistic block. And believe me, I really wanted to like this record. But alas, It will only prevent the other 2 Hot Snakes CD's in my music collection from being accidentally placed in the Hot Water Music or Hot Cross pile. Audit in Progress in deed.