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Thursday, April 28, 2005

I Didn't Fuck Ann Coulter In The Ass

Unfortunately, I didn’t write "I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard", but I wish I did. The author, Bachem Macuno, is a fucking genius and his post is brilliant. The team here at D. Dagger Presents...is currently tracking down Macuno so we can kidnap him before the Feds do. He’ll be safe inside the D. Dagger Compound and be free to write as much liberal satire as his little heart desires….For those not in the know, Ann Coulter is Fox News’ poster whore. She’s a insensitive right-wing bitch who is only attractive to guys that look like this. I also give Macuno props for making a reference to Ann’s “adam’s apple” towards the end of his story…

apparently SHE'S A MAN, BABY!!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Hot Post

Hot Topic: Taking your MTV “punk rock” rebellion and selling it back to you!

“Our store employees are our eyes and ears across the country. In fact, employees are reimbursed for the cost of a concert ticket in exchange for a brief fashion report highlighting the items worn by the music artists as well as the fans.” - taken from Hot Topic’s website.

In other “Hot” news, Swami Records has just released the Hot Snakes “John Peel Seesions” CD. Apparently this was the last band to record for his legendary show before he passed away. The track list and CD description are below.

1. Automatic Midnight
2. No Hands
3. Braintrust
4. This Mystic Decade

”On their first trip to the U.K., Hot Snakes were asked by legendary disc jockey John Peel to come into the BBC Studios at Maide Vale and record a session for his radio show. The band went in on Oct. 11th, 2004, and cut 4 songs live. The sound that was captured was a realistic snapshot of the Hot Snakes sound with rougher edges and spontaneous energy. Hot Snakes were to be his last guests as John Peel died on a vacation in Peru a week later. The legacy of John Peel expands from the 60's to present day and surely beyond. His will to champion maverick music from the underground and to constantly stay abreast with the new noise, made him the antenna to a world of music that usually slips through the cracks. Hot Snakes are grateful to have had the opportunity to be a speck in his massive scope of reference.Long Live Peel!”

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

It's That Time of the Year Again

I almost forgot...
Happy 420 Everybody!!
It's time we stop being little bitches and push for the legalization of hemp. It's good for the environment, good for your health, and it's good to get high. Smoke some green and click the leaf for some sleazy 70's inspire rock...dig it.

Chewing Tobacco and Perverts

After like 30 years or so, those crazy Vietnam Vets are still pissed off at Jane fucking Fonda. At a recent book signing in Kansas City, Fonda had a tobacco bath when some asshole ex-Vet spat chewing tobacco on her face….actually that’s pretty funny. Imagine seeing some dude spit tobacco in Jane Fonda’s face..haha, that would be almost better than witnessing Reagan getting shot.

But anyway, who gives a fuck that Fonda went to North Vietnam and took some pictures. Get over it already, Ted Turner did. But I am pissed that she’s making movies again, and with J. Lo of all people. Give it a rest honey. You should be enjoying the golden years and not torturing us with more shitty Pop culture movies.

On the brighter side of film, I recently went to a special screening of Pervert starring that porn whore Mary Carey. But the real star’s of the film seem to be long time actor Darrell Sandeen and up and comers Juliette Clarke and Sean Andrews. Clark in particular was HOT and brutal in a Patricia Arquette True Romance kind of way.

If you like boobies, blood, murder, Russ Meyer, surprises, and over the top hilarious dialogue, THEN you should check out Pervert (whenever it’s released). I know the movie will be premiering at The Cannes Film Festival in May. Hopefully it’ll get good distribution so all you sicko’s can witness cinema at its finest/ lowest.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Dead Cats Tell No Tales

Check out who's stealing my idea's...it's none other than the kids at Don't Shoot The Cat. I emailed them about my great kid hunting parody and the next thing I know they're stealing it. Their website has a link to this mock CNN page in the vain of the Onion. That story sounds pretty familiar doesn't it? Oh well, I guess some cat lovers don't have any creativity.

(The following is an excerpt from yesterdays emergency D. Dagger Presents... staff meeting)

D. Dagger- "Okay guys, you can all put away the guns and pipe bombs. Hey Tommy, I said put down the gun. There's been some late breaking developments with Don't Shoot The Cat. They have put up our parody on their website and the author of the CNN parody, Ythan, left a comment for us. It seems Ythan came up with the kid hunting idea a day before us."

Suzy Q- "Does this mean we're a bunch of talentless one day late losers?"

D. Dagger- "Not at all Suzy. In fact I feel that we are at the forefront of great collective thinking. We are all mentally connected in a web of progressive thought. Great minds think alike in deed."

Count Le Shok- "Does this mean we can't kill anybody? I just bought this fucking AK-47 and it cost a fortune!"

D. Dagger- "Now let's not be hasty. There's still plenty of cat killers in Wisconsin who need a little reconditioning. Lets show 'em what we got gang!

(A hush silence fell over everybody. Then bursts of laughter filled the office! The entire staff at D. Dagger Presents... went back to work on their computers daydreaming of hunter holocausts and Republican exterminations.)

Episode IV- A New Pope

So there’s a new Pope…big deal. That’s like England getting a new king. It’s just aesthetic, like putting up dry wall over a crumbling brick wall. And is it just me or does the new Pope look like the devil baby from The Passion of the Christ?

Pope, Anti-Christ..same difference. I heard this Godsucker is real conservative too. Just what the gay community needs, another asshole telling them they’re gonna burn in Hell. Well, guess what bible-pushers? I’d rather live in some made up fire and brimstone land, than live in a country where people are made to feel like second class citizens. Fuck all people with stupid hats, (that includes cowboys).

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Power of Bunny Compells Christ

This might be the funniest thing I have EVER seen. I love the Exorcist, but I think I love this more. It’s called “The Exorcist in 30 Seconds (and re-enacted by bunnies)” and your side will hurt from laughing so hard. I’m not gonna say anything more, just watch and be amazed. Also check out the other features especially “The Shining in 30 Seconds (and re-enacted by Bunnies)". You will need the most recent Macromedia Flash plug-in to view it.

Click above to watch. It may take awhile to load, but it’s fucking genius and totally worth it.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

All My Friends Are Dead

Turbonegro- “All My Friends Are Dead”mp3

Behold! A brand spanking new song from the almighty Turbonegro. It’s off their upcoming record titled Party Animals which comes out in Europe on May 9th. No word on the street date for the U.S., but I’m thinking it will be around the same time. It’s produced by Steve McDonald (The White Stripes, Beck and Redd Kross).

We've got 11 hits, all of them beautifully negative switchblade serenades”, says Guitarist Euroboy.

Bassist Happy Tom says “It’s like the best bits of The Rolling Stones mixed with the best bits of Black Flag, but composed by Shostakovich, Stalin's in-house composer

So by the sound of this song it appears Turbonegro are back in true form. When I heard their last record, Scandinavian Leather, I was excited just to hear some new stuff. But after the 3rd listen, I was kind of like “eh”. But “All My Friends Are Dead” sounds like it starts off where Apocalypse Dudes left off. Here’s the track listing:

1. Intro: The Party Zone
2. All My Friends Are Dead
3. Blow Me (Like The Wind)
4. City Of Satan
5. Death From Above
6. Wasted Again
7. High On The Crime
8. If You See Kaye (Tell Her I L-O-V-E Her)
9. Stay Free
10. Babylon Forever
11. Hot Stuff/Hot Shit
12. Final Warning


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Another Modest Proposal

I’m sure most of you have heard about Wisconsin’s proposal to make hunting feral cats legal.

“The issue of whether to make feral cats an unprotected species, meaning they could be hunted and killed, was put Monday night before the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, an independent organization created by the state 70 years ago to take public input on conservation issues. More than 13,000 residents attended meetings held in all 72 counties around the state.

The state Department of Natural Resources said 51 counties supported the proposal, 20 rejected it and there was no vote in one county. The vote was 6,830-5,201.”

Well why stop at stray unattended cats? Everyday I see other more sinister creatures running loose in our parks and streets. They’re dirty, smelly, and they’re always looking for their next meal. They go by many different names, but when confronted by one the only words that come out of your mouth is LITTLE FUCKING BASTARDS!!

That’s right! I’m talking about the stray child problem that’s plaguing our communities. They run around reeking havoc amongst unsuspecting adults. They climb walls, trees, and furniture. Some of them even resort to throwing dirt, picking boogers, and uncontrollable crying.

We need to take out these little beasts with all the fury and might of a Wisconsin cat hunter on a week long killing binge. We must show no mercy on these parasites. No parents, no problem! We’ll do the parenting for you.

410 Tips for Preventing a Child Infestation3

1. Make sure your property is free from toys of any kind. Children tend to be drawn to this and once they know you have toys they’ll multiple like a bunch of roaches.

2. When cooking, make sure all windows are shut. Stray kids usually stop whatever they’re doing and follow the scent of food.

3. Refrain from watching The Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, or Discovery Kids. Children have incredible hearing and can follow a sound two houses away.

4. Fortify all trees and fences with barb wire. Feral kids love to climb on these things.

5. Don’t go to areas where infestation is already rampant. This means no Chuck E. Cheese’s, parks, playgrounds, or amusement parks. One couple recently reported a dreadful trip to Disneyland where 3-4 stray kids followed them to their car after someone gave them cotton candy.

6. This brings me to the next tip. Keep all candy under lock and key. Some adults even go as far as to stash it in safes. But whatever you do, DO NOT FEED ANY CHILD CANDY. This can lead to years of infestation with whining, crying, and temper tantrums.

7. Keep a hose handy on your porch. Children hate water and will run away at the sight of it. Water mixed with soap is an even better deterrent.

8. Leave green beans, carrots, apples or any other fruit or vegetable outside. Kids can’t stand this food and will probably throw it at your house, but they won’t be coming back.

9. Hunting kids may not be legal yet, but you can trap them. Bait such as toys, candy, and pizza is most effective. One recent adult emailed me stating that a trap disguised as a clubhouse did wonders for his stray child problem.

10. Report all stray kid habitats. Some adults take in stray kids and this act of kindness quickly gets out of control. A beautiful home can quickly be overrun by children who spill food, pee on the floor, and jump/ climb on furniture. Contact the authorities immediately if you suspect your neighbors of providing a home to feral kids.

The above tips are only an outline, but you should see results if you follow these suggestions. Together we can make this world a stray kid free environment.

Dont Shoot The Cat
Sign the petition and help end the madness

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Revenge of the Sith TRAILER

I think Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith will be the best one of the prequels. It’s coming out May 19th and I found this killer trailer on ifilm. It has some stupid subtitles, so just put a post-it note over that. I heard that there will be a huge wookie battle scene too...fuck yeah. I was kind of excited about Episode III, but after seeing this trailer I feel like a giddy 8 year-old boy again.

For some reason the direct link isn't working, so just click the logo and scroll down to the video entitled "Star Wars 133t".

And just so this post isn’t totally dorky, here’s some info on the U.S. Governments real “star wars”...

All’s Fair in Space War

The Space Industry: Supporting U.S. Supremacy

Monday, April 04, 2005

Bad Case of The Monday's

Hey fuckheads, friuitcakes, laplovers, hair farmers, bible pushers, ass munchers, monkey lickers, crybabies….it’s Monday, fucking Monday, Monday again. Well, we here at the Dagger are here to make your week start off smoothly and of course with a smile.

First up is a little comedy from the great David Cross. This MP3 comes of his latest CD, “It’s Not Funny”. I saw David Cross a few years back at the House of Blues Hollywood. David was fucking hilarious, but there were no seats. So after about 2 hours of laughing, my back was killing me and it was totally worth it. Download the MP3, buy the CD, and try not to tinkle from laughing so hard.

David Cross- “Certain Leaders in Government Look or Act like Certain Pop Culture References!” mp3

This looks like an awesome new DVD from your friends at Thrill Jockey Records. It’s called “Looking for a Thrill” and it contains “a collection of personal stories about defining musical moments of inspiration”. Basically it has a bunch artists talking about their first show, record, etc. From “Mike Watt, Thurston Moore, Hamid Drake, Bjork, Yo La Tengo, Tortoise, the Butchies, Jon Spencer, Vic Chesnutt, Kurt Wagner, Fred Anderson, and Giant Sand - as well as members of the Urinals, Califone, Jesus Lizard, the Boredoms, Mekons, Slint, the Sea and Cake, and Calexico (just to name a few)”.

Here’s an MP3 of the interview with Ian Mackaye (Fugazi, Minor Threat, Embrace, The Evens). It’s funny and incredibly interesting to hear how this legendary person discovered punk. You can BUY THIS HERE.

So speaking of first encounters with punk rock, the Dagger is gonna share his experience with you kids. So grab a juice box, a pillow, and shut the fuck up….It was November 1993 and I was 16. After being into Death Metal for 2 years, I had finally discovered punk rock. The first show I went to was at the Hollywood Auditorium, which is now long gone. It was me, my friend Neil, and our older friend Mike. After telling my parents I was going to Six Flags Magic Mountain, I was out the door and on my way to see Youth Brigade, The Vandals, Padded Cell, and Rosemary’s Billygoat. This was a few months before the huge mid-90’s punk explosion, so bands like Green Day and the Offspring weren’t on MTV yet. Punk was still somewhat of an underground thing.

I remember the following: Rosemary’s Billygoat brought a “pentagram pizza” onstage and threw slices into the crowd. I lost my Black Flag hat while slam dancing to the Padded Cell. The Vandals played all the old school favorites and didn’t suck nearly as much as they do now. And Youth Brigade didn’t play for some reason resulting in a riot. When we got out of the club, the LAPD were there in full riot gear. We managed to get to Mike’s car, but the pigs blocked us in. After a few minutes of begging and blowing kisses, the “man” finally let us go.
I’ll never forget the intensity of that show. I really didn’t know what to expect. I had only previously been to big metal concerts. Punk rock was so intimate and exhilarating. I was hooked when I first got a Misfits record and I was sold when I went to this show. That was 12 years ago and I’m still here. I have finished college, gotten a job, and even got married, but I’m still a punk. It’s as much a part of my life as eating and breathing….end of fucking story.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Pope Fiction

When I got in my car this morning I heard this news radio headline “Catholics worldwide pray for Pulp”. Now my first reaction was why do Catholics give a shit about that band Pulp? I mean they had their moments, but seriously now, they aren’t in need of any special prayer. Then I realized it’s April 1st…hello? April Fools Day!! Oh those crazy Catholics.

Let’s celebrate Catholics and Pulp by listening to one of their songs. Yay!
Click for “Common People” mp3

The next headline was that scientists have discovered water on Mars. And guess what? It’s actually true.

Ohh, look at the grumpy man in the morning. Hey Mr. Pope, turn that frown upside down! I heard the Pope likes to wear funny hats. Well what a small world, so do these people…