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Monday, March 14, 2005

The Coco Interview


Straight off her Best in Show victory in Birmingham, England, Coco aka Champion Cracknor Cause Celebre gives her first interview to D. Dagger Presents… Coca talks candidly about her victory, her 3 brand new babies, and what the future has in store for this beautiful well-spoken bitch. Coca flew me out to her 1,000 acre compound in scenic Malibu, CA. Coco lives in a beautiful DogCastle and we met on her gorgeous balcony over looking the majestic Pacific Ocean.

D. Dagger- Wow Coco, you have some spread here!
Coco- Thank you my dear, just watch out for the shit on the floor.

D. Dagger- Haha. Oh Coco, they told me you were a jokester.
Coco- No seriously, this place is covered in shit and piss. I’m a fucking dog you blind asshole….next question!

D. Dagger- How tough was the competition this year?
Coco- It was about as tough as watching a cat lick his asshole….yeah, not very. But I will say that Schnauzer was fucking huge. What was his name? Phil? That motherfucker scared the kibble outta me. I was like, “You got to be kidding, that mofo is the size of Texas”.

D. Dagger- Well Coco, you bring up an interesting topic. How rampant is steroid use amongst the pure breeds?
Coco- Steroid use? Who the fuck are you, Barbara Walters?! Haha, Hey everybody, we got fucking Martin Bashir over here….No, no my dim witted human friend, there isn’t any steroid use. That Schnauzer was strictly on growth hormones.

D. Dagger- Coco, I hate to break the news to you, but growth hormones are considered steroids.
Coco- Oh really? How did you get so fucking smart all of a sudden. What? Are you a PhD now, Physically Handicapped Dumbass?!...haha, I’m just messing with you dickhead. Of course there’s steroid use. Just look at my little girl over there. Her name is Apple, but she’s bigger than the fucking Big Apple. I’m afraid she’s gonna bite off my tit when I feed her, she drinks so much milk.

D. Dagger- How are your babies doing Coco?
Coco- Let me tell you something Dagger, don’t ever get one of these things. Talk about cramping my style. If it wasn’t for these little bitches, I’d be getting my groove on in some ghetto ass Hollywood club. I’d be licking Christal from P. Diddy’s ass crack. I’d be sniffing cocaine from Colin Farrell's cock….no, no, I’m joking. I love my Apple, my J. Edgar Hoover, and my America.

D. Dagger- How did you pick those names?
Coco- Well, Apple’s piss smells like apples. So that was a no brainer. J. Edgar Hoover is my little boy who likes to dress in drag. So that also, was a no brainer. And my girl America likes to start shit with the other pups and attack without any probable cause. Once again, a no brainer.

D. Dagger- I hear you will be retiring now. How does it feel to go out on a high note?
Coco- Well Dagger, I wasn’t really high until I got back to the limo. My best-friend Moses made some killer fucking pot-brownies. We all got so fucked up in the limo. I was sticking my ass out the window. It was out there for so long I think I actually got fucked up the ass at a red light.

D. Dagger- haha
Coco- No seriously shithead! My ass still bleeds when I take a dump. I think it was that little fucker Triumph or “Triumph The Insult Dog” like you stupid humans call him. He’s been trying to sniff my ass for 3 years now. I had to get a fucking restraining order against him….But anyway, that’s a different story for a different interview and I’m not that drunk yet.

D. Dagger- I heard you had an altercation backstage with India, the Belgian Shepherd.
Coco- Ah fuck! Where’s my fucking publicist??!! I specifically said, “No questions about that bitch India!” What are you? Deaf and dumb?

D. Dagger- I---I---I’m so sorry Coco. It totally slip….
Coco- Fuck you Dagger. This interview’s over! I said over, you fucking prick! Get the hell off my property before I bite your nuts off!!!!

2 Comments:

Blogger Dagger said...

Worst post ever.

March 15, 2005 4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no it was not, it was just okay...

March 20, 2005 1:53 PM  

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