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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Another Modest Proposal

I’m sure most of you have heard about Wisconsin’s proposal to make hunting feral cats legal.

“The issue of whether to make feral cats an unprotected species, meaning they could be hunted and killed, was put Monday night before the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, an independent organization created by the state 70 years ago to take public input on conservation issues. More than 13,000 residents attended meetings held in all 72 counties around the state.

The state Department of Natural Resources said 51 counties supported the proposal, 20 rejected it and there was no vote in one county. The vote was 6,830-5,201.”

Well why stop at stray unattended cats? Everyday I see other more sinister creatures running loose in our parks and streets. They’re dirty, smelly, and they’re always looking for their next meal. They go by many different names, but when confronted by one the only words that come out of your mouth is LITTLE FUCKING BASTARDS!!

That’s right! I’m talking about the stray child problem that’s plaguing our communities. They run around reeking havoc amongst unsuspecting adults. They climb walls, trees, and furniture. Some of them even resort to throwing dirt, picking boogers, and uncontrollable crying.

We need to take out these little beasts with all the fury and might of a Wisconsin cat hunter on a week long killing binge. We must show no mercy on these parasites. No parents, no problem! We’ll do the parenting for you.

410 Tips for Preventing a Child Infestation3

1. Make sure your property is free from toys of any kind. Children tend to be drawn to this and once they know you have toys they’ll multiple like a bunch of roaches.

2. When cooking, make sure all windows are shut. Stray kids usually stop whatever they’re doing and follow the scent of food.

3. Refrain from watching The Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, or Discovery Kids. Children have incredible hearing and can follow a sound two houses away.

4. Fortify all trees and fences with barb wire. Feral kids love to climb on these things.

5. Don’t go to areas where infestation is already rampant. This means no Chuck E. Cheese’s, parks, playgrounds, or amusement parks. One couple recently reported a dreadful trip to Disneyland where 3-4 stray kids followed them to their car after someone gave them cotton candy.

6. This brings me to the next tip. Keep all candy under lock and key. Some adults even go as far as to stash it in safes. But whatever you do, DO NOT FEED ANY CHILD CANDY. This can lead to years of infestation with whining, crying, and temper tantrums.

7. Keep a hose handy on your porch. Children hate water and will run away at the sight of it. Water mixed with soap is an even better deterrent.

8. Leave green beans, carrots, apples or any other fruit or vegetable outside. Kids can’t stand this food and will probably throw it at your house, but they won’t be coming back.

9. Hunting kids may not be legal yet, but you can trap them. Bait such as toys, candy, and pizza is most effective. One recent adult emailed me stating that a trap disguised as a clubhouse did wonders for his stray child problem.

10. Report all stray kid habitats. Some adults take in stray kids and this act of kindness quickly gets out of control. A beautiful home can quickly be overrun by children who spill food, pee on the floor, and jump/ climb on furniture. Contact the authorities immediately if you suspect your neighbors of providing a home to feral kids.

The above tips are only an outline, but you should see results if you follow these suggestions. Together we can make this world a stray kid free environment.

Dont Shoot The Cat
Sign the petition and help end the madness


Blogger Ray Bridges said...

"Sniff, sniff. I see three, but I smell four." -W.C. Fields

April 14, 2005 8:10 AM  
Blogger Dagger said...

Some lady actually emailed me saying that I spelled "madness" wrong. Cry me a fucking river. I'm gonna leave it that way just to annoy anal retentive people like her.

April 20, 2005 6:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If cats should be shot for eating birds, then maybe people should be shot for eating cows.

April 23, 2005 11:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

those damn feral children. overrunning our poor poor cities.

its all crap the medias feeding people about the cats. what about the human infestation problem? how many gazillions more of us are there out there destroying absolutely everything that is good in the world? i think i would giggle if the cats turned around with guns an starting hunting hunters.

April 25, 2005 6:55 PM  

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