Shit Talking and the God of Death

I was looking through some old zines today and came across this crazy classified ad. It was in a 10 year-old issue of Maximum Rock N’ Roll (yeah, I was so punk). Here’s what it said:

“Hey motherfucker, remember me? I’m the dude who’s fucking your ex-girlfriend. Ouch, that hurt didn’t it? I bet you still want her real bad, don’t you? I bet you still jack off thinking about her. Well guess what pinky dick? She’s sucking my cock now and taking it up the ass. If I see you around here again, I’m gonna bend you over and make you my bitch”

Woah man, that dude was fucking INSANE!!!

In other events I found this card in my Froot Loops this morning.

I researched it and discovered its “Yama” the Hindu God of Death. I wonder if Toucan Sam is trying to tell me something….Seriously though, how strange is that? I’m thinking about calling Kellogg’s and finding out if they have any crazy Hindu's working for them….Weird.

To Serve Korn (It's a Cookbook!!!)

Oh man, this shit is funny. Some dipshit guitarist from Korn is leaving the band because he found “God”. Once your band members are jumping ship for God, I think it might be time to end it. I mean Korn has never been more irrelevant then they are now. The only people still listening to Bro-Metal live in Nebraska or some other equally backwards ass hick state.

The only thing I can say to Korn is “God” can’t save you now brah. You guys signed that deal…no, that contract with the Devil and you can’t go back on your word now. El Diablo promised you ass clowns success. Don’t cry because it was only limited success. Even the Devil can’t make frat boys listen to that crap any longer than 2 years. You, Limp Biscuit, Linkin Park….all you fuckheads better make good on your promise to Mr. Pitchfork. He wants your pathetic souls and no religious deity is gonna save your ass.

Anyway, you can read the full story below if you care. It was reported in CNN….CNN? Is Korn still considered news? Whateva.


Korn guitarist finds God, leaves band
NEW YORK (Billboard) -- Korn guitarist Brian "Head" Welch has parted ways with the hard rock act, citing a recent religious awakening.

Welch broke the news Sunday on Bakersfield, California, station KRAB-FM.
"I had it in my heart to come here and explain to you," Welch said. "I'm good friends with Korn. I love those guys, and they love me, and they're very happy for me."

Addressing the aggressive tone of the music he made with Korn, Welch said, "Anger is a good thing, and if kids want to listen to Korn, good, but there's happiness after the anger. I'm going to show it through my actions how much I love my fans."

Welch added that he would be appearing at a local church on February 27, during which time he would "speak (about) how I got to this place in my life, and I'll answer all your questions."

On its official Web site (http://www.korn.com), Korn's remaining members said they respect Welch's wishes and hope "he finds the happiness he is searching for." The group is in the studio working on a new album, due in September, which will be its first since fulfilling its contract with Epic last year.

For now, no replacement for Welch has been named, nor has a new label home for the band.

The Perfect Time to Get High

With all the rain in Los Angeles, it was the perfect weekend to just chill. My wife and I fucked a lot and smoked even more. Life is so much better when you’re high. We watched that Chris Cunningham DVD. He’s the dude who did that creepy Aphex Twin “Come to Daddy” video. I highly recommend renting this and watching it totally stoned out of your mind. That Madonna video he did will equally blow your mind. Cunningham is a truly disturbed individual.

Click image to watch the trailer

I also listened to Bluebird’s “Black Presence” CD. I have always been a huge Bluebird fan, but I never really dug this album. This is because I was never stoned while listening to it. The entire record is free form instrumental stoner rock ala Desert Sessions. It’s very atmospheric and jammy and I don’t know why I never gave this disc a second chance sooner. Bluebird was a great band and I hated to see them break up last year. You should buy all of their shit here or here. Next week I'll put up some Bluebird MP3's.

And getting baked this past weekend was also a good way to pay respect to Hunter S. Thompson. There will never be another journalist like him, and YES he was a journalist. You should watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas a smoke a fat bowl for him. Why can’t people like Eminem die?

Click image to listen to Ben Fong-Torres (of Rolling Stone) talk about Hunter on NPR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON- R.I.P.

Foxes are the real Terrorists

It’s not that I don’t like conservatives or their views, it’s that I hate them! Too many liberals are subdued and cordial. It’s time we take a fucking stand! I believe that you can be Christian, conservative, and homophobic. I believe in freedom, even if it’s the freedom to be a complete right-wing asshole. My main problem with conservatives comes when they try to force their beliefs on everyone else. If you wanna be pro-life and totally mind fucked by Jesus, then that’s your deal. But don’t try to bring your faith into the political realm. What happened to separation of church and state?

Another thing about conservatives is that they lie or bend the truth to support their arguments. As we see with George W., facts, truth, and common sense isn’t required in the decision making process. Just look at Fox “News” and that fuckface Bill O’Reilly. They report a little news (maybe 10% is actual news), but the majority of their content is right-wing lies. O’Reilly lies on a daily basis and its scary how many people take him seriously. The real terrorists are people like him. But don’t take my word for it, see for yourself.

CLICK O'REILLY'S UGLY MUG FOR THE PROOF

Check out these links…
http://www.parisbusinessreview.net/
http://www.outfoxed.org/

The Special Olympics of Award Shows

Last night I watched Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon and those were 3 hours well spent. So how many of you wish you had the 3 or 4 hours back that you wasted watching the Grammy Awards? Did you really think this year’s show would be any different? The same talent-less “artists”, the same self congratulatory bullshit, the same boring Pop music performances. I didn’t have to see last nights horror show to know that it was gonna suck. The only thing the Grammy’s did was further pollute the environment with the carbon monoxide from all the SUV’s and limo’s that trekked to the Staples Center. Okay, okay maybe I’m not being fair. The Grammy’s also polluted the world with bad music and over-inflated egos.

How can an industry as dead as the music industry still manage to muster up an award show? I guess most people are content with mediocrity. I guess they’re content with dying. Even if you deserved an award (like Wilco), why the fuck would you want it?? It’s like getting one of those gold or platinum records. Big fucking deal. It’s just greedy industry suits thanking you for making them money (or at least, trying to make them money).

In all honesty, I hate Pop music. It’s mass marketed contrived audio shit that serves no purpose other than to make a profit and be the background beat to other Pepsi commercial. And mainstream Hip Hop is just the same. Don’t even get me started on Green Day and “punk rock”. Punk is dead. Punk = Pop music, but "edgier for the younger crowd". It’s all just marketing. There are actually a few mainstream bands that have talent and deserve their limited success. Radiohead instantly comes to mind. That band is genius and a rarity amongst clones and one hit wonders.

So the Grammy’s will never be taken seriously by me or anyone else that knows better. It’s a 3-4 hour comedy show and Mad TV could never do justice to the real deal.

Stewart is funnier than God!!

Click the above picture to watch Jon Stewart go at it with some CNN "journalists". This is proof that Stewart is a comical genius and one of the best social commentators of our generation, next to David Cross. Watch this and prepare to laugh your ass off.

You might be a snob.

Not too long ago I was a pretentious indie rock snob. But then I met my beautiful wife who showed me (after a long period of time) that there’s more to life then being a hipster dick. Who gives a shit what other people like or don’t like musically. And who was I to judge? How dare I become so self-righteous that I thought other people were lesser than me because they listened to certain bands. It’s so adolescent and so incredibly irrelevant in the greater scheme of things.

So I decided to make a snob check list. If you can relate to 2 or more of these, then you my friend are an asshole. But there is hope for you. All you have to do is get that chip off your shoulder and realize that music is a personal choice. You have no right to mock or ridicule other people because of their personal preference. Yes, (in my opinion) there are ton’s of shitty bands out there. I'm not saying not to make fun of those bands, but just don't be a dick to somebody who happens to like those bands. Who knows, you might even turn them on to some great music. We all, at one time, were musically retarded.

You might be a indie rock snob if….

You tell people they don’t have a record collection if they don’t own certain records.

You act like you never wore a trucker hat.

You only go to shows if you’re on the guest list.

You talk shit about certain bands being overrated while wearing a Strokes t-shirt.

You judge people on what they like and don’t like.

The word elitist makes you feel special.

All your friends agree with everything you say.

You find the most obscure bands to reference the sound of a new band.

You think you know-it-all when it comes to EVERYTHING.

You refuse to go to a festival unless you get VIP passes

You talk about supporting bands by not downloading music, but then buy most of your CD’s used. So you’re actually supporting the record store, not the bands.

You talk about supporting bands, but get most of your CD's free because you work in the “industry”.

You were ridiculed in high school, and now you wanna get back at the world with your superior knowledge on music.

And finally, you might be a indie rock snob if you think the world actually cares about what you like, what you wear, or how you act.